Dear LJ
Its 1.21am Christmas Day 2008. I am in my bed alone. Have been here since last night at about 5/6pm. The last time I saw Qas. You remember Qas right? The guy who keeps fucking me around? My boyfriend one minute, my the next, the guy who disappears on me? Yeah him.
Guess what. He’s done it again. Whenever things don’t go too well for us, and that been happening a lot, he just bolts. I knew he ran away from his problems, I first realised it when his uncle died last year and he took off not telling anyone. Remember how worried I was back then? Should have let the twat. Would have saved myself some sleepless heart broken tear soaked pillow nights.
For some strange reason we keep arguing over little things. And this week has been annoying. He keeps hurting me or I keep hurting him, I don’t know how but we just do it.
I finished work early yesterday and asked him if we could meet up. He said he would pick me up, the day before(23rd) we were meant to hang out at my house because I was ill and took a day off from work. I had been having chest pains and it scared me cause it was so close to my heart. Anyway we eventually decided we would meet up in the afternoon and watch Heroes together. Its our thing. I downloaded the episodes and waited. When he got here he said he wanted to hang out at my house. Something I have been trying to get him to do for ages. But he always said e felt uncomfortable. My sister needed a lift to the bus stop and my cousin who is staying with us for Christmas was going with her. We dropped them off and went to Asda to get popcorn to watch Heroes. We had a crap journey there and even though we were all sweet and stuff I knew it wouldn’t last. There wasn’t any popcorn!! So we tried another Asda. Sometime during this Qas said he needed petrol but was fine to do our journey. We went and got milk and bread for his house and he wanted to drop it off. I was directing him back home and he ignored me and took a long route home. I asked him when we got off the motorway by Brent Cross if he ever thought of what we would do if we didn’t work out. Recently we have been making lots of plans and after the fiascos of planning trips away and then not doing it due to his relaxed ways I started wondering. Anyway he got mad at me and I didn’t get it. I wasn’t implying it wouldn’t it was the last thing I wanted but I had thought what if…
So he was in a mood with me as we drove to his house. Rather then parking away from the door he drove right up to it and parked there. A bright light came on and almost blinded me. He went in the house as his sister was calling. Bare in mind I had NEVER met his whole family. Just his oldest sister. So I waited and saw him dash about from the window. He came out and headed for the car, and then the door opened and his mum came out screaming his name. I froze. I think she did too. She called him over then took him inside. It was awkward. I was staring at her but trying not to. She looked nothing like I imagined. And she was staring at me. But trying not to. Do I say hi? Do I go over? He didn’t think to introduce us. I just sat in the car feeling like a right idiot. It was about half 6. I decided I would call my friend Hanna. She didn’t answer. I felt so awkward my heart racing and just out of place. I had dreamed of meeting his family. Only dreamed. And here I was actually seeing his mum. She had seen me once before but not properly. He came back obviously pissed off. I asked what was up and he said he had to get food for everyone cause his aunt and cousin were over. Even though his cousin and brothers had gone somewhere. When he first got in the car he said his family was in there having fun without him. As he made to drive off he asked if I wanted to come with him or go home. Bare in mind it was about twenty to 7 and very early I said I would go with him.
I asked him what his mum said about a strange black girl sitting in the front passenger seat of her sons car. He said nothing. Hmm maybe he was telling the truth. But he was moody and blamed it on having to do errands, starting with taking my sister and cousin to the bus stop and then shopping. I felt bad and said he could go home if he wanted to be with his family and we could do the heroes thing another time. He said he wanted to go to my place still. We got the food and there was a point where we were talking about taking something and my hand was near his lap. He said ‘taking that?’ and I said ‘no I would never take that from you I need it for my plans’ i.e. kids! And he said I had already taken it which kinda hurt cause of the way he said it. But I let it slide because things could blow up. We drove back to his and noticed his brothers car was in the drive way. He dropped off the food and we set off to my house.
Once in my house I had to make him hide in places because my cousin was having a shower and my sister was trouser less. We roam around naked in my house sometimes. Just on our way to the bathroom and stuff. So once they were clothed I told him to come to my room. Which was messy but slightly tidy. He was playing the Wii with my youngest sister. As he was coming up the stairs my mums friend knocked on the door and my mum rushed to get dressed (she was half dressed in her pyjamas and normal clothes) so I had to tell Qas to wait again. He headed back downstairs when I said come up. Then my mum said I should wait for her friend to go so she doesn’t say anything… WTF?!
I knew her friend would be here for a long time. So Qas and I watched Eastenders with the kids. He said he was going to go home after it. I was upset but I didn’t say anything. He stood a little away from where I was sitting and when I told him to come closer he was reluctant. When he was ready to leave I went to get shoes. My mum stupidly asked if we weren’t going to watch our movie in my room anymore and I ignored her. She’s annoying sometimes. Now Qas was already in a mood about his mum and this made it worse. We got in the car and drove someplace. He was mad at me and I was mad at him. I told him to come up! He said I told him to wait and he did. We drove in angered silence to a car park. We ended up arguing and he wouldn’t say anything. We were there for ten minutes talking and I wanted to get away from him. I told him that. I checked to see if I had my oyster card so I could go home. I did. I only checked for it because when he gets mad he drives like a twat. He tried going the wrong way down a one way street and it scared me. After our car accident in September I get so scared! Driving me home scared the shit out of me!
I told him to pull over and talk because he said he was mad and driving like a fool because he was mad at me. He didn’t. he took me home and parked near my road. We talked and argued some more. Then he drove down my road where we talked and argued again. I said we should live together, which I have been saying all year. He told the same old crap ‘we cant’. because we are both in uni and have separate lives it wouldn’t work out. Or something. I said we could make it work out, I was about to finish and get a full time job and we could make ends meet. It didn’t have to be expensive. Then I asked him if he wanted it. He said he did. I said are you ready or not? Because I don’t think you are. A friend of mine had already predicted this and I realised that it was true. He confirmed it. I asked him if he was ready for any of the things I put forward and he said he wanted them but he wasn’t ready. I went off him. I apologised for trying to make him a man before he was ready and he got mad again. I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I knew I was impatient and rushing. Its what I do. Something happened earlier this year that made me want everything I wanted in the future then and now. He knew it.
He had suggested that we sort out a day when we could do things together and I said don’t bother cause we were meant to go to Thorpe park and didn’t, lakeside - failed and various places. All because he said ‘we’ll see’ and never allowed me or got round to booking it. He said he was angry that I contradicted myself. He wanted to do what I wanted to do. But I didn’t want it then. It was too late. When I want things I cant have them but when he wants them I have to drop everything?
Anyway he went home and I went to bed cause I was exhausted. As always and I didn’t want to be awake if my chest started hurting. Oh yeah that’s why I was off sick I had pulled a muscle in my chest apparently. Even though it didn’t feel like it. I had an ECG done at the drs. Oh and my mums friend was still at the house!
So the next day (24th) I realised he hadn’t called or texted to let me know he got home ok. He said he would. Obviously he was still mad at me.
Anyway he came and picked me up and I got in the car after waiting half an hour. I made myself rush to get to him cause I am always late. We drove through the traffic and went to the shops. Things were a bit tense, but he came to my house. This was after much persuasion. He said he needed to go to Ealing asked me to come with him. I said no because and my stomach problem had been kicking in all the day with my chest pains. He told me to eat and he would come back for me after he got petrol.
I said I would go with him in that case. But we agreed I would eat and we would watch heroes then get petrol together. When we got in I decided to get medicine because if my stomach hurt today (25th) I wouldn’t be able to buy anything as boots didn’t open on Christmas day. He drove me and I could tell he was still mad because we had no plans or anything. My mum had paid me back the money she owed me and I said we could get him petrol. I realised we were going the wrong way to get petrol so I told him we could go and get it. He said it was fine. I said we had enough time to do it and get my medicine but he snapped at me and I shut up. When he dropped me at the car park and didn’t park properly I knew he didn’t want to be around me. I told him to go home. He said he was coming with me. Then he said he would wait if I wanted so he could drive me home. My house is 5 minutes away! It would be quicker to walk rather then drive through the one way system. I said ‘I want you to go home because you know when we don’t see each other and I get pissy and mean? well its happening now for some strange reason.’ he asked what was wrong with him and he said he needed to get away… from me and the situation. I got out of the car whacking my head as I did so, half expecting him to follow me… but he didn’t. as I walked I was worried he would come up the road and drive home with me watching like a loser. But I got to the shop… looking for him. I paid for my stuff and decided to call him because I was worried. His phone was off. I went back to the car park and his car wasn’t there but his phone was off. And it has been off ever since. It is npw12 past 2 in the morning and I have since broken up with him. Yet I don’t think he knows.
I cant keep putting myself in these situations. I cant keep worrying about him when his phone is off. If I lived with him this would be the equivalent to him not coming home. I cried myself to sleep as I did last year and woke up feeling sick and sad. I think this is the last time we break up because I don’t want him anymore. I wouldn’t mind the good him but when things are like this and he just runs off without talking to me or trying to sort it out I don’t want to know him. If I did the same I wonder if he would be in my position? I wonder if I hurt him as much as he hurts me? I knew this Christmas was going to be a crap one.
I had been asking him if he wanted to come over today and he said he couldn’t because he had family things to do. Seeing as he doesn’t celebrate it I didn’t know what he meant. I asked what his family did and he got mad at me. I honestly don’t care anymore. I think I gave up earlier this week. I wanted to go to his house and give him his present but I don’t want to chase after him like I always do. I don’t want to be the girl who gets hurt and comes back for more. The good times are good and the bad times are horrendous and I need to keep reminding myself that. These days the bad outweigh the good. So if I go back to him that’s what I will be getting a lot of bad.
I went to my work Christmas party and got drunk. I ended up telling him knowing he wouldn’t approve but his reaction made me so mad. He didn’t talk to me in two days. He kept saying he was busy and had stuff to do. He compared my drinking to cheating! I only did it once and I didn’t cheat on him. I wouldn’t do that. I couldn’t. but we managed to work through it somehow. Its stuff like that and his reaction when I ask him to come over that make me mad. Its stuff like him getting pissed off at me being pissed off with him when he hurts that annoys me. Its things like this where when we argue he runs off home and switches his phone off rather then say I am sorry lets get together and cuddle and be happy again that makes me want to be alone.
Allowing myself to get back in this relationship and doing it all over again annoys me. Knowing that I would rather be unhappy with him then without just pisses me off. Because I do deserve better. Especially after what happened this year. I need that little bit of happiness. And things had happened a little differently maybe I would have something I always wanted today. Maybe we would have split up/ stayed split up and I would have a part of him that satisfied the need/want to have all of him. I guess I cant be happy on Christmas knowing what I should have but cant.
Its something he doesn’t understand. I told him I was alone and I am. I can talk and talk about my feelings but they are mine. I don’t know his. I don’t know if I feel what he feels. I don’t know if he wants what I want. I don’t care. I just don’t care anymore.
Anyway. Merry Christmas LJ.
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